She Does Him Good

The heart of her husband trusts in her,

And he will have no lack of gain.

She does him good and not evil

All the days of her life.

-Proverbs 31:11-12

The first verses that describe the Proverbs 31 woman focus on her relationship with her husband.  She does him good.  She is pleasant and cheerful.  She is kind and lovely.  I notice that the definition for good does not include traits like irritable, critical, and exacting.  Instead her spirit is calm, compassionate, and meek.  She has virtue and moral goodness.  Her husband trusts in her.  He trusts her morally.  He also trusts her to build his reputation.  Nancy Leigh DeMoss’ mother modeled this kind of honor for her husband.  Nancy relates, “To this day, I can never remember her speaking negatively about him to us or anyone else.  It’s not that he didn’t have weaknesses and rough edges, but rather that she was scarcely conscious of the negatives because of her deep, genuine admiration for him.”

I am in the midst of studying Titus 2 with the guidance of True Woman 201.  The authors, Nancy Leigh DeMoss and Mary Kassian, point out that four different Greek words are translated “love” in the English language:  storge – familial love; phileo – friendly love; agape – commitment love; eros – sexual love.  They then ask the student to rank these four types of love in order of importance in a good marriage.  I was quick to rank agape #1.  My explanation followed the idea that marriage is not always easy.  My husband does not always do things the way I think is best.  Therefore, I must have agape, a committed love, for my husband.  I noted that phileo love attracted me to my husband, but agape keeps me faithful no matter what.

Imagine my surprise when I turned the page and learned that the actual word Paul used in Titus 2:4 is phileo.  “Older women are to encourage young women to love (phileo) their husbands.”  Phileo the authors write “is often used to describe more of an emotional response.  Phileo means to deeply care about a person, to approve of him, to appreciate him, to welcome him, to treat him with affection.  Agape generally says, ‘I choose to love you,’ whereas phileo says, ‘I deeply like you and enjoy you.’”  The love I am to have for my husband is the love that I had for him when we were first dating, a love that overlooks his faults and imperfections, not because I am committed, but because I deeply like and enjoy him.  The authors directed me to take a moment to reflect and I took many moments. 

It seems much easier to focus on my husband’s weaknesses than to simply enjoy his friendship - to laugh in the midst of a mess, to enjoy the extra time together when he turns down the wrong street, to be grateful for what he did do rather than annoyed for what he didn’t do.  I have reflected and I have practiced – I have simply enjoyed my husband.  And I have discovered an amazing fact:  I have more fun when I enjoy my husband than I do when I focus on the changes I think need to happen.  My husband truly is my best friend.  I must be committed to him but, more importantly, I must delight in him.